Grief and Loss From the Perspective of an 86-year-old man

To begin, I must mention that this was the second interview that I conducted for a school project. It took several weeks for me to find an individual that was willing to talk with me about their grief and loss, and I had not introduced myself as a counselor. I searched long and hard for individuals that had lost someone, and specifically to the project for my class (a widow or widower).

I began working online and searching for individuals on these platforms as the grief and loss textbooks have highlighted these resources can be essential to grief and loss in modern day.

Textbooks broach that these platforms offer a genuine value and ease of access for resources compared to all ages prior to the internet.

After my assignment ended, I began to receive several emails informing me of individual interest to undergo the interview for the project. Instead of quitting then, and replying that the school project had ended, I found this a great beginning opportunity to help these people invest their time into themselves and the journey of others.

I believe that after the first interview and the first report that I had written, the person interviewed had no way out but to learn about himself and his experiences and through new eyes.

Formatting someone’s grief and journey in writing explores a sense of counseling that we recognize known as a post-modern therapy, namely Narrative therapy or social constructionism. Social constructionsim helps us realize the importance of our own words and the language of others regarding our thoughts and psychology.

Narrative threapy happens when an individual puts words, phrases, visions, and frames of thought around experiences in the present, about the experiences that have come and gone in an individual’s life, without much processing, and without many words to define the experience prior.

It inspired me, and helped me understand the needs of others whom are grieving by taking the time to reflect the stories, lessons, and insight that I was introduced to, and only after my first 40 minute interview. These stories include the hearts, difficulties, and rawness that these people could offer themselves and the people that find themselves in the pangs of grief. These real offerings were flesh and pure words and feelings that come from no other source.

Interview with Will

By: Jacob R. Stotler

I emailed Will for about two weeks before we met on the phone. I emailed him one morning and asked that we setup a time. I asked him to set up a time “this Saturday [after Christmas] or today if you have the time.”

He called me on the phone at about 9:18 a.m., his time it must have been 8:00 a.m. I thanked him for meeting with me and calling so quickly. He is 86 years old, and it amazed me that he was already checking emails, and making phone contact and especially with the expedience and priority that he showed towards our interactions.

One movement that Will brought with him, and throughout his numerous emails is that he has focused on music since his wife past, those 15 months ago. He has recorded songs, written poetry, and devoted himself to writing poetry, chord progressions, and Christmas /birthday cards to his wife that he lost those months ago. He stayed true to these therapeutic processes throughout our interactions, and seems to feel strongly that music, and writing poetry and words about his loss have kept his mind busy and kept him sane for the past months. He stated that time passes fast when your mind is occupied with a productive task.

The Situation

Will explained that he is 86 years old, and for 25 of those years, he spent with his wife “J.” Will explained that these years were the “happiest years of his life,” and that he was ultimately grateful for “J.” and for many reasons. He insisted that he once lived a fast life, “a wild one” of being a musician and that J. helped him get off drugs, an alcohol, and the harmful or quick lifestyle that he lived.

He lived this life before he met J. and too, he was married four other times. He found J. as his soulmate, and she must have felt the same, as he explained that the spent 24/7 together, and took on every aspect of each other’s lives as a team pair.

Will explains that a little over two years ago, after undergoing a CAT scan of her brain, his wife was diagnosed with a “fast moving brain tumor.” She spent about one year dealing with the brain tumor. Will took care of her at home for a while, until he was unable to do so.

He stated that he lost around 50 lbs. and was unable to care for her at home anymore. J. was placed on bedrest around nine or so months after the fast-moving brain tumor was diagnosed. J. Spent three months in hospice care at bedrest, and Will made it a point to join her in her room during her stay.

He stated that he slept in her room and lived with her for about three months. He fed her and cared for her until she was unable to eat anymore. She began to eat pudding more than anything, and past while Will held her hand.

Will was there for J. day and night for those three months. This period of Will’s life defines directly what we know of as “anticipatory grief” he was found waiting for the moments of his grief to unfold. He made it this far in the story before relaying that the had no idea how hard it would be for him to lose her.

The Hardest Part

Will seemed to have it at the back of his mind what the hardest part of his grief was. I asked him about the hardest part, and nearly before I finished asking him, he had the answer. “The hardest part is realizing that I will never get to be with her at all anymore” he said.

“She was my life, my soulmate” he said, and from all of his dialogue it hit me that they genuinely had had a relationship that most people dream of. From his dialogue it seemed that they were inseparable, and as Will notes now, and still after her passing, “his love has grown for her.”

Will broke down for just a few minutes, when we were discussing what was hardest for him. He apologized several times for this, and I too apologized; I reminded him that “I am not here to push you, and I don’t want to push you.” These tears came when he began explaining that she was worried about everyone else, and not worried about herself, when she was passing. He also reflected again, that they spent those 25 years together, as spending every moment with each other.

Today he stated that this will be the second Christmas that he has had without her, Christmas is in three days. It is obvious that even though we spent most of this interview talking about his progress, his healing, and the journey to cope and gain ground through his grief, that she is fresh on his mind. He bought her a Christmas, card, actively writes poetry for her, has conversations with her, and puts these things where “she would see them if she was around.”

Personal Narrative

Will’s personal narrative is appreciated in two major ways. One, Will is a poet and a musician so one thing that he has going for him is that when he says something powerful or clear, the moment lingers so it can be digested.

Will stated clearly today that after losing his wife, “I look at people a whole lot different now. When I see someone on the street my heart goes out to them.” He also stated that after his wife had passed, that looking at people fulfilling their dreams that this feeling means something different to him now. It seems that he has gained some sort of extra-human ability to feel empathy and recognize the value of the human pursuit.

This superhuman empathetic ability and ability to feel human among them seems to be hard earned.

Will remained outspoken through many other powerful moments in our conversations. I had jotted down that he indeed sounded out these quotations:

“It helps to design things (write music) the way that she would want to hear them.”

“It helps when [people] don’t ask for anything, and they are solely kind. Kindness can be so important.” It seemed with Will that kindness alone worked somehow like the opposite of a trigger.

“Nothing was easy about it.”

“Music has been huge.”

“We cannot fathom the pain of others until we go through it.”

“Grief is like a roller coaster, you spend all of this time slowly climbing, and then you plummet, you climb and you plummet.”

What Helped

Will named that hospice provided a grief support counselor after his wife passed and for up to 15 moths of monthly service. He stated that this time with his counselor runs out next month, in about one week from our interview date. It is important to mention that he has sought counseling and has felt that counseling has been a major support and mostly because (as we recognized in the interview) that he has been lucky about who is counselor is. He has seriously connected with his counselor, they have things in common, and as Will explains it has helped to realize that “she is meant to be a counselor.”

By happenstance, Will has found that his counselor has been important to him, and that have shared many main lifetime luxuries. His counselor “Joe” accounts too for some of his favorite things in his life. Her children go to the same school as Will went to, at least one of them studies music, as did he. Her husband plays the bass guitar, and Will has spent his life devoted to his music and studies of music. Also, Joe has been continued to inspire Will to write, to talk with J., to keep up with his music, and to devote some of his pangs, and hardships transforming these pains into music, arts, and tangible materials.

Will has seen Joe in therapy sometimes twice a month, and since the global pandemic, he has used online telehealth platforms to see his therapist. He says that “ZOOM” has been a platform that he has liked, and that makes him feel connected with his therapist, even if he is not allowed to see her in person (and due to current social distancing norms). He has relied on telehealth to see and hear and spend time with his counselor.

Often expression of grief is an important thing for a person grieving to find, and with this, it may be one of the most difficult processes to take part in. Often therapy is a process that can help a person express the normal feelings that result from anticipated loss and grief in general, and this in turn helps mitigate what can become complicated grief. Expression also allows the creation of things, to help a person understand the process of change from post-grief to the extended period of time that may pass after a loved one is lost (Walsh, 2018). I did make a note with Will while we talked to assure him that I do realize that 15 months is not very long regarding the significance of grief.

Will has now sent several songs that he has written, and he has worked with some music producers in California to sing and record these feature works. Some of those are available online. Will has hired both male and female voices to sing his songs and play his music through recordings. He has written “a library of songs” about J. after her passing.

Will named some major things that have helped him come through to himself the past 15 months. He also names that counseling has been a serious and treasured relationship that he has upkept since his wife past. He mentions some other relationships that he has made have been helpful for him and to help others. He names that the chaplain was important to him, as he came in to hold his hand after J. had passed. He has met his counselor and appreciated her deeply and because of her kindness, her help for him to “draw a picture of his grief and feeling,” and sharing. He likes to talk to her and has found that having things in common with his therapist have been great connections within this relationship.

He has also met many people through the online platform and online grief support group that we met. He identifies that the past months, he has talked to one individual that is grieving from the loss of her husband multiple times a day. She lives thousands of miles from him, but indeed he states that the talk throughout the week, every day. He states this relationship clearly, “it helps her to help me, and it helps me help her at the same time.” This seems to be the therapeutic design behind most support groups and resources, and from a therapeutic point of view, this seems like a healthy way to build a period of life behind focusing on his own grief.

At one point, Will assimilated his grief to peeling an onion, “keep going, keep at it, keep at peeling the onion.”

Other points of coping and names of “help” that Will put forth were that of sharing his feelings, thoughts, and experiences, and keeping a shrine like memoir in his home. He said that he has laminated a picture of his late wife and puts Christmas cards and birthday cards at this place when these celebrations circle around.

Will spoke highly of writing, poetry, and even jotting notes throughout the day and night to help him identify his current state and phase of grief. It seems that Will has made it a point to follow his counselor’s recommendations, but also to capture and record his own thought process however rare they are, throughout the day and night. Recording his feelings, emotions, and thoughts down on paper seems to help him sound out what he is feeling, and what he has felt and what has or is occupying his mind.

He states that even in the middle of the night he will awake and jot down the thoughts on his mind about grieving, about his lost loved one, and about his life. “You come up with a lot of good ideas when you write everything down” he says. “Realize and organize.”

Altogether what has helped Will still does not take away his passion and visions of the meaning of his wife, and his wife in all. At 86, Will gives us some great things to imagine, and some great ideas to live by when grieving.

Will has taken advantage of the services offered to him, he has seen a counselor come and go, and went forward to find one he relates to and that he appreciates on a universal level. He has devoted much time to the arts, his music, poetry and focused on his rare personal narratives that come to him throughout the day and night to identify what thoughts he is occupied with.

He has also made it a point to make resources through the internet, he has joined support groups, found help in supportive people, found revelation in kindness, and built long-term relationships with people that share the nature of grief and loss and the state of loss that comes when a family member passes. He states that he has conversations with her, and that he invites the feelings about J. his late wife, and even when he is not focused on anything.

While Will has met celebrities he speaks highly of all people; he mentions that empathy comes with grief, but so do triggers.

Anytime and anyplace can be a trigger and this becomes hard. The grocery store, holidays, birthdays, and sharing can all invite the authenticity of the loss. That natural means of life, that unpredictable realness.

From this all, and without mentioning the word “posttraumatic growth” we learn that there is some sort of movement or solidity in the flood of humanity that comes when you lose someone. Will seems to have taught us that if we lose everything, we gain that knowledge and that authentic empathy among and for the humans we meet beyond that point.